BAGGAGE AND BONDAGE vs. FAITH – Step Two

Came to believe that God has all power and wisdom and that in His strength we can do all things.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image

What do I turn to when I are feel alone, afraid, or insecure?  Grasping these idols I just identified, I am trying to move through life attached to things and people.  I see God, in all of His power and light before me, opening His arms.  How do I feel with all of the stuff and clutter and baggage and attachments dragging and weighing on me?  What do I choose to do? 

My idols are: work (until June 2011), general business, marriage, any project (to keep me from being still)

I did a little study on ‘idols’ at the end of July.  I determined the meaning of the word to be ‘anything of the work of yours hands’. 

What is the work of my hands?  Where is my effort and energy invested?  If it does not grow me closer to God or serve Him and His kingdom, if it does not bring Him glory…

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them

So it wasn’t about just ‘graven images’ but that these images were ‘made’ by man.  So in worshiping something self created, it is really self worship (control, pride, ego) and not allowing God to work.  How many areas do I limit God in by my effort?   Before June I kept myself so busy that I literally did not have time to think (or sleep).  I do this still when I obsesses over ‘fixing’.  This is hard because I don’t even see it when I am in the middle of doing it…  I need to identify early warning signs (note: learn to observe self).

Much of this changed this summer.  Sure I revert, but I am becoming very aware of myself and my needs.  When I feel ‘alone’ I typically read, pray, journal.  The weird thing about me, is I am very rarely lonely.  Yeah, part of that is having 4 kids.But I figured out today (thanks to hubby!) that I have this thing termed HSP.  I thought it was an insult or that something is wrong with me, but actually is really cool.  One of the ‘pieces’ is needing and loving time alone.  This really helped me understand ‘me’ better.  When I am afraid or insecure  I pray, cry, ask God for help.  I am OK really for the first time, heading towards… good.  I sense peace and have a true sense of joy.

“And it came to pass that as I followed him I beheld myself that I was in a dark and dreary waste. And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies.” (1 Nephi 8:7-8)

Am I Ready To Surrender?

Am I ready to surrender to a different solution?  If not, what is keeping me in my problem? 

I have attempted to prove that I can’t be hurt, but I can be.  At some point I have allowed this.  I have been dishonest with myself and others and attempted to get some financial and other needs met in secret.  In trying to create safety I actually make myself vulnerable.  Again this is an attempt to gain some measure of control back.  But it does not allow God to take care of those needs.  By me doing a lousy job at getting my needs met on my own I am blocking God from protecting me in some areas and meeting those needs.

what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel

Thank you for joining me here.  I have been on a long strange, painful, exciting and joyous journey that is still going.  I have made great progress and suffered staggering setbacks. This is my way to track where I am, where I came from, and where I am going (now that I have some perspective), and perhaps help someone else along the way.  There are 2 big pieces here. 1) A spiritual awakening that surprisingly brought me to the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. This has empowered me to 2) look at the pain in my life and heal.

I am willing to feel, to hurt, to see my short comings, to see where I have failed and who has failed me.  I am willing to feel disappointed and let down.  I am willing to feel the feelings vulnerable and victimized and terrified and de-valued and violated.  I am willing to truly feel the fear and the sadness and go through to the other side. 

What is exciting is I truly believe that this is my moment, I believe I have the tools, or that God is waiting to equip me upon my request, to walk through all this so I can truly live the life I came here to live- to Glorify Him and love those I am blessed with, and be myself.  I fully expect this to be difficult, painful and relieving.  Something like childbirth, with joy at the ‘end’.

I would like to share some daily scripture while here.    This morning I read Mosiah Chapters 2-4.  What must we do to become happy?

Also I found Phillipians chapter 1 very inspiring today.